12:41 PM

I woke up, and I was anxious.
I pushed myself
into another world
far beyond my bed
far beyond the aching comforts of my room
far beyond myself
And I was nervous.

Because my brain
Likes to do that.
Likes to indulge
In pain, and crying sadness
That makes me think of people
and makes me wish
I could take care of them
and always hold their bodies
close to my chest
So that I know they’ll be alright.

But my heart knows
That that’s not realistic.
Because I have to let my loved ones live.
Because they too
Have the power
To save themselves
And to think
And to not get into situations where they might die.

And it’s funny, really
Because despite this yearning
To protect ones who can protect themselves
I feel as though
I haven’t the power
To save my own self.

And so endlessly
Night after long, sweet night
I worry
And I wish for safety
From my own head.

Some people I love are going away today,
But I know they aren’t going to be gone long.
I mean that:
They’ll be back in no time.

But I am not going to accept that:
It’s escaped me, the ability to reason.
The ability to think.
It’s left me in the dust.

Because want to go with them;
I want to see the shining sun
On their faces, which I call home
And smell the air from the sea
And visit the orange-haired boy
Whom I love so deeply it hurts
And watch him
Do something he loves.

I want to do that.
I always want to do that.
But I don’t.

“I’ll get too tired,”
I say.
“My workload is far too much.”
Which is true, in this instance.
But it wasn’t like
I was going to do it
Anyway.

A lot of it comes from
my fear of the outdoors,
my fear of discomfort,
my inability to try something new;
My inability to convince myself
To just get up
Just get up, you idiot!
Get up! Stop letting things go past
And stop letting blatant sadness
Get in the way
Of running!

Someday soon, you won’t need anybody
You truly won’t.
And though you love someone
You will never be able to have
Because they’re far
And worlds apart
And they probably
Don’t exist:
You’ll be okay.

Just know: there’s only one way
For you to achieve that.
Stop worrying.

You’re funny.

If only
Things
Worked that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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